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What I would do if I won the Powerball...

Houses, cars, yachts? If I win the Powerball I'm buying Fulham, and this is my plan.

Spencer Platt/Getty Images

What I would do.

Here in the US there’s a phenomenon called The Powerball. It’s the king of lotteries, the Big Kahuna, with prize amounts so staggering they’ll even raise the eyebrows of Bill Gates and Richard Branson. Well, maybe.

The current Powerball prize is estimated to be at least 1 billion US Dollars, or around £690,000,000. The odds of winning aren’t great, to be honest. But someone has to win, and here’s my plan if I do:

  • I buy Fulham Football Club. That’s right, I make Khan an offer he can’t refuse. The club has plummeted in value since he bought it, so I might get it on the cheap. But I’m not taking Tony as part of the deal, Shahid. No way.
  • I splash big money on a survey to find out, once and for all, why fans hate Dan Burn so much. Or why they like him so much. It’s very confusing.
  • In preparation for our (eventual) promotion, we start rebuilding the Riverside Stand tomorrow. Yes, the view of the pitch will be obstructed by construction equipment for the rest of the season, but we’ll just pretend that we’ve added more steel pillars. No one should notice.
  • I convene a task force with the sole purpose of determining if Mike Rigg has the actual physical ability to smile. Or if he even has upper teeth, for that matter.
  • I jettison Visit Florida as a kit sponsor, and go back to LG, since we did pretty darn well when they graced our kit. Plus, Florida has terrifying insects the size of Mini-Coopers.
  • I commission a thirty-foot statue of Roy Hodgson where Michael Jackson used to hang out. Roy will be staring intently across the pitch where he enjoyed so much success, a kind and knowing expression on his face. He deserves it.
  • I take away Dembele’s and Hyndman’s cell phones so they can’t talk to their agents about new deals at other clubs. Problem solved.
  • While I’m at it, I also take away Slaviša Jokanović’s phone. I’ve got a good feeling about this guy, and I want to make sure he’s got enough time to make his mark at the club. In Slav We Trust…

I’ve got some other initiatives in mind, such as my Johnny Haynes / Danny Murphy / Louis Saha / Brian McBride Cloning Center, the Felix Magath Cheese Emporium, and a plan to reimburse season ticket holders if the team doesn’t win more than six games through the first half of the season. That last one could be very popular.

But before I can implement all this I need to win the Powerball. I’ve got something like a 1 in 289,000,000 chance, which doesn’t sound too bad, not for a Fulham fan. Keep your fingers crossed. Trust me, as soon as I’ve got the cash in hand I’ll be in touch with Mr. Khan.

Now, if I could just remember where I left my checkbook…